May concert daw ang Same Same, tapos may kasama silang ibang artists. Nandun ako. At nandun ka rin ata. Umalis ako, tapos sa may hagdanan, nakasalubong kita, nakapink ka, mahaba ang buhok mo, halatang may tinatago kang emosyon. Hindi kita pinababa, hinawakan ko ang braso mo. Dun, saka ka umiyak. Pinahid ko ang luha mo sa mata.  Umiiyak ka pa rin. Parang tumamlay ka, para kang hihimatayin, kaya hinawakan kita, inalalayan kita, tumumba ka, at binuhat kita pababa, para bang married couple style ang buhat. Basta ganun. Dinala kita sa green na sofa. Tuloy kang umiyak doon, at binabantayan kita. May dumating na mga tao. Hindi ko na nakilala kasi nagising na ako.

Bakit? Why?

Akala ko hindi mo na ako iiyakan ulit, pero alam mo ngayon ko lang narealize na hinahanap ko pala yun.. pero alam mo gusto ko rin sana na makipagtawanan sayo. Kagabi, paguwi ko, wala na akong baterya, pero nagcharge kagad ako para matxt ko si tsabi, ayun, dumating txt ko.. I don’t need thanks, i need you to help yourself.. Gusto talaga kita makitang masaya. Lam mo di ako makatulog nang maayos kasi naiisip ko kung ayos ka lang. Nagdasal ako, tapos nagimbento ako ng kanta at nirecord ko sa recorder ko.. Sa kantang yun nagdadasal din ako. Makukuha mo rin ang CD kong Seven over Four although alam kong narinig ko na.. May mga idadagdag pa akong mga kanta, kaya magkakaroon ng second disk yun. At ikaw lang makakakuha, wala nang iba.

Open your heart.

Alam mo hindi ko masabi sayo na dati na narinig ko sa kanya na sinabi niya “pag ayaw ko na kay Donna.. etc etc”. Nung 170 field pa yun. Tapos kagabi, sabi niya sakin tugtog pa daw kami, pero tumanggi ako. Alam mo parang pelikula sa isip ko yung mga nangyari kagabi. Pag kinulong mo ako sa kuwarto makakasulat ako ng isang buong cd tungkol lang dun, pero sa ngayon mental block pa ako.. may pinapakinggan akong kanta..

“You’re Not Alone” by Saosin

It’s just like him
To wander off in the evergreen park
Slowly searching for any sign
Of the ones he used to love..

He says he’s got nothing left to live for
(He says he’s got nothing left…)
And this time I think you’ll know..

You’re not alone
There is more to this, I know
You can make it out
You will live to tell

She’s just like him
Spoiled rotten
Confused by the lies she’s been fed
And she’s searching for no one..
(But herself)
Her eyes turn to green and she seems to be happy
That she is here
And this time I think you’ll know…

You’re not alone
There is more to this, I know
You can make it out
You will live to tell

You’re not alone
There is more to this, I know
You can make it out

(There is more to know)

We’re not alone
There is more to this, I know
You can make it out
You will live to tell..
(So tell me)

You’re not alone
There is more to this, I know
You can make it out
(Make it out)
You will live to tell
(Live to tell)
You’re not alone
There is more to this, I know
(And I know)
You can make it out
You will live to tell..

You are not alone.
You’re not, you’re not alone.

Wala lang, ewan ko ba. Pero kagabi sinasaktan ko sarili ko, kasi wala akong ibang paraan para mapasaya ka, kaya pareho na lang tayong masaktan. At ngayon, di pa ako kumakain ng breakfast, kasi alam kong konti ang kakainin mo ngayong araw. Alam mo andaming nagsasabing pumapayat ka daw. Actually ako halatako talaga dati pa. Kaya nung tumawag ako sayo di ako naniwala nung sinabi mong ok ka lang. Pano ka magiging ok kung umiyak ka pala nung hapon na yun? Buwisit talaga, naniwala nga ako nung una eh, pero yung tono ng boses mo either galit ka sakin kasi iniistorbo kita o dahil nahihirapan kang magpanggap na ok.

Kailan mo kaya mababasa to? Sana pag nabasa mo to ayos ka na. Yun lang naman gusto ko eh. Maging masaya ka. Hindi ko na nga hinihingi atensyon at oras mo (at least pinipilit kong wag magexpect). Basta gusto ko lang marinig ko na sabihin mong ang saya mo, at hindi ako magdududa. Sa kagandahan mong iyan sa tingin mo walang ibang magmamahal sayo? May nagsabi sakin nun nung kinuwento ko yung problema ko sayo dati.

Pero alam mo, salamat kasi at least ngayon may rason kung bakit ako nag-aalala. Mas gusto kitang maging problema kaysa kahit ano pa. At least ngayon may nagagawa ako para sa tao. At least ngayon may naipagdadasal ako.. Bakit mo kinuwento sa kanila na “nagfall” daw ako sayo? Pero alam mo ok na yun, at least sumasagi din naman pala ako sa isip mo. “Fall”? Maling term, dapat “jumped” kasi ako namili nun eh, ako ang namili nun, ako namili nun, ako nagdecide.

Sa ngayon, ano, uh, hindi ko masabi. Marunong ka namang magread between the lines para magets mo kung ano dapat ang ilalagay ko sa linya na to.

Will you do it again to me? What? Hurt. What? Hurt me. If that’s the only way I could share your pain.

Open your heart.

Sabi mo matigas na ang puso mo sa kanya. Ganun din ako sayo, pero wag na, di ako mageexpect. Basta kung ano dumating, tatanggapin ko na lang.

Open your heart.

P.S. Lagi kitang iniisip, di ba obvious yun?

 Song – Beating Hearts Baby by Head Automatica

Word – Bitch

Color – Black

Mood – Angry?

 Wtf. I’ll give my f-cking cd to everyone. Outaspite.

Maybe i’ll record more songs, make an extra disc, and reserve it when she asks me for a copy.

 I don’t f-cking know!

1. maybe

I can’t seem to speak everytime you’re around. I don’t know why. I can’t  seem to breathe everytime you are near me. I don’t know why.
Maybe there’s a reason or maybe there is none. I don’t know why. Maybe you’re the one or maybe you are not. We’ll just have to find out.
Closer to you, I feel like I’m driving in a car with no wheels. Farther from you, I see your face reflected in the walls and the ceilings.

Maybe there’s a reason or maybe I’m just dumb coz I don’t know why. Maybe
you’re the one or maybe you are not. We’ll just have to find out.

Now you’re probably wondering if I am indeed talking about you. But don’t worry, coz you are correct in every aspect.

I can’t find the words to say that I secretly want you. I’ll just have to sing it.

I hope that you don’t misunderstand the words I’m saying. I want us to be friends. (gibberish)

2. timing

Why do I anticipate every move you make, every single day? Why do I wait for
you to pass on by without knowing what to do? Why do I do these things that I do not
want to?

I didn’t write a song in a while, but then you came along. I hope this makes you smile.

I wanna speak but I can’t say the things I have to say. I wanna let you know, but I can’t find the timing, so I’ll write it in a song and sing it for you.
You’ll have to understand that I’m not too good at words, so you’ll have to bear with me as I fumble with my mouth.
I’m not good at love songs but it’s all that i can do. Maybe I can write another one and sing it for you too.

3. don’touch

a. therapé

Is this the end of our evening sessions? Is this the end of our therapy? Is this the end of our past regressions? I was here but you left me.

Comfort, not consolation; remedy, and not a solution; understanding, not  forgiveness was what I wanted.

You gave them to me but what I received was another reason to cry. You gave to me but what I received was another reason to die.

I healed your wounds but you threw them back at me. I was left with nothing but a lot more misery.

Thank you for your time, you are one true friend,but I won’t mind if you won’t be with me the time I reach the end.

You will just add up to my pain.

But I’ll be there, when you feel like killing yourself again. Here’s my number, call me when you’re desperate. I need someone to tell me all their troubles. I never tell, he never knew you drank yourself to sleep that night. When you’re sick of your life, talk to me. I’ll give you another reason to live like you gave me a reason to die. I’ll give you a reason to smile like you gave me a reason to cry. I’ll swallow all your pain, so you could be alright.

b. give and take (some lies i told you)

It’s hard to give without wanting to take. You can’t give without getting hurt in any way. So from tonight, I will never give– just take everything from me. Love has left me scarred, bruised and broken. Life has made me what I am– crestfallen.
People made me hope, but all for nothing. It’s not their fault, it’s all my doing. I hate to think of someday for it may never come. They say that someday, I’ll finally find the one. But I won’t find a thing at all if I do not believe, coz everyone has turned their back on me.
Why did you ever cry on me?
Is this a trick of destiny? In stepping back, I tripped again, and now I’m fucked for all to see. It’s not your fault, it’s mine. It’s not your heart, it’s my mind.
I’m tired of tears, could you pull the trigger? It’s at my heart, wrapped around your finger.

c. bother

I will always love you, I will always be here in the dark. I will always need you. I have always been there from the start, waiting until you could dry away your tears, waiting until you could get over it.
I won’t bother you. Don’t worry, you won’t hear the things I have to say– I’ll throw them all away. I won’t bother you at all.
I will always love you, I will always be here when you cry. I will always need you. I will wipe that tear out from your eye, waiting until you could walk out on your own, waiting until you don’t want to be alone.
I have said goodbye, but I will always be here at your side. But I won’t bother you at all.

d. 7/4

“They rip your heart out of your ass.”

I don’t want a conversation, I don’t wanna talk. I don’t need your consolation or your attention. I have said goodbye to you, do things on your own! It’s so hard for me to just leave you all alone. But everytime I try to get near you, I just fall. Maybe I just wasn’t meant to be with you at all.

Each time in the dark, your face appears with stars. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I know where you are. When I see you once again, I will force a smile, but in this song I’m crying, begging for your time.

You said that I was your friend, I know you are mine. But what the fuck am I
to think when you start to cry?!?! I will be your sleeping pill, I will be your rag,
I have been your scratching post, I have been your clown.

There are no regrets, but I never knew it would kill me like it’s doing now. No looking forward, coz I’ll stay in the past, where you’ll make me happy just by listening.

“Have a few drinks and come home.”

Each time in the dark, your face appears with stars. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I know where you are. When I see you once again, I will force a smile, but in this song I’m crying, begging for your time.

4. The Last Song

Holding on to this phone, alone in the night. You didn’t even make sure if I was really alright.

You said you watch sad movies and you’d cry everytime the scene turns sad. I
listen to sad songs and try to understand that this is just the way some things will
have to end.

I got out of my mess, but I took the hardest way. I walked the road you paved and joined in your parade.

Now I’m at the top but at my lowest point. Does it make any sense? Do I disappoint? What did I do wrong? Did I misunderstand? Did I say anything? Did you give me a chance?

I never knew that you were the hardest way out. I never knew I could not do
without. I never knew I could help you out. I never knew you would sell me out.

How can you do this to your friend?

You know that this is not the end.

This is not the last song.

(written by Marc Beeson and Sonny LeMaire)
The road I have travelled on
Is paved with good intentions
It’s littered with broken dreams
That never quite came true
When all of my hopes were dying
Her love kept me trying
And she does her best to hide
The pain that she’s been through
(Chorus)
When she cries at night
And she doesn’t think that I can hear her
She tries to hide all the fears she feels inside
So I pray this time
I can be the man that she deserves
‘Cause I die a little each time
When she cries
She’s always been there for me
Whenever I’ve fallen
When nobody else believed
She’d be there by my side
I don’t know how she takes it
Just once I like to make it
Then there’ll be tears of joy
That fills her loving eyes
(Repeat chorus)
So I pray this time
I can be the man that she deserves
‘Cause I die a little each time
When she cries

I don’t wanna see you for some time. Thank you my dear friends for helping me make it through, but still, I fall down again from time to time. Just let me fall like they did to Christ, they let him fall.

The bigger wound in my heart may possibly be  obscured by cutting in smaller wounds, but then again, maybe not.

“Upo ka na dito”

“Ayokong katabi si Kokoy”

“Hindi naman si Kokoy katabi mo e.”

“E di mas lalong ayokong umupo diyan.”

And then I sat in the said seat.

Come on, now who’s ready to talk?

I’m not, neither are you.

Now what? Time heals all wounds, but not when the skin is still being wounded.

I kind of wrote two songs last night. The first one, I could say is complete. The other one, I could say, has already been laid down.

Excerpt from the other one:

     Why can’t you just take my love and run away, run away?

    Why can’t you just take my life and fly so high? I won’t ask why. 

See? I can’t do what you told me to, I’m sorry. And I really hate the fact that I have to, one way or another.

Btw, I saw you at the jeepney station, going down one jeep and going to the mall, while I’m in line, waiting for an empty jeep to come. I should have gone for you so we could talk, or maybe I should have went around so we would “meet” each other. That was the first time I expected I would meet you, but that was the third time I saw you at that place

This post was cut short, so sorry.

Me: Can we talk?

04/30/2007, 1238

Keianne: Ui,ngaun lng aq ngpalod..ok lng s ken mg-usap,pero sna d k n ganong ka-emotional..d nmn kailangang magmadali

04/30/2007, 1344

Me: Ikaw nga rin inaalala ko e.. Dont wori tama na ung nangyari, at kung mag-ganun nman ako ult u cud always walk out hehe, ready wen u are..

04/30/2007, 1350

Keianne: Bkt aq? Ang alm q ikw ung nsaktan,& im sori,insensitive tlg q,pero hndi nmn to d point n wla aqng pakialam..ano p bng kylangan pg usapan?

04/30/2007, 1442

Me: Sorry kc ginambala pa kita nang ganun.. Marami pa kc akng gus2ng sabhn at itanng sayo kaso d ko pa alam kung pano ko ipphrase..

04/30/2007, 1720

Keianne: Bkt kylangan m p i-phrase ng maayos? bsta nandun ung point ok n un,s ngy ikw ang bhala..nktulog nga pla q kya mtgal,

04/30/2007, 1734

Me: Ayos lng,kggcng ko lng dn..sa 22o lng,gus2 talaga kitang makausap,pero d ko alam kung anng sasabhn ko..saka..un,d ko maexplain pro gus2 ktang makita..

04/30/07, 1739

Keianne: Ñeks!anong gagawn ntn kung d m alm? S schl n lng cguro,ayoko ng sobrang seryosong usapan..pero sabihn m n lht ng gsto mng sabihn pra maayos n,

04/30/07, 1744

Me: Napangiti mo ako dun ah hehe..gus2 mo bago k nlng umuwi, o kung kelan mo gus2. Ikaw, bka may mga sasabhn ka rn sakin..

04/30/07, 1823

Keianne: Ha? Sobrang mhaba b pg-uusapan? Bsta,bhala n..pero ngaun p lng..pls lng,help urself.pero wg k rn snang mggalit s ken,d aq k2lad ng iniicp nla..

04/30/07, 1835

Me: Dont wori..d ko naman bnabase sa kanila tingn ko sayo e.bat pa kita mamahalin kung ganun lng dn kababaw? At d ako nagalt sayo,it was never ur fault..

04/30/07, 2010

Me: Sabi ko sayo we need to talk talaga, para nacocontrol ko ung cnasabi ko.. Oh well, just forget i said that, or just pretend to.. Sorry..

04/30/07, 2035

Keianne: Ha? D kta maintndhan..oo nga db? Pumayag n qng mkipg-usap..kya lng s txt lng d m p masabi sa personal p kya,ayos k lng b tlg? Prang magulo k ka-usap

04/30/07, time not sure, NARESEND KO!!!!!!!!!!!!! (05/02/07, 1750)

Me: Sori, mas magulo talaga ako katxt e.. Mas maraming paikot-ikot at drama. Ayos lng ako pramis..

04/30/07, 2128

Keianne: Rily? Ok bhala k..bsta i hop alm m n kung hnggng saan lng tlg feelings ko 4u,bt dont feel sori..i dont deserve all d attention,un lng, strt realizing dz thngs,kya m yan..

—-this always makes me shed a tear, even now as I’m typing this.. 

04/30/07,  2130

Me: I know.. Ayos lng kahit d na umusad, wag lang paurong.. Dont wori il take care of it..

04/30/07, 2133

Keianne: Ok..d nmn tlg uurong..cguro over-reacting lng aq,ayoko lng tlg ng tinitingnan ng kht sino kya cguro iniirapan kta,bt i honestly ddnt want dt to hapen

04/30/07, 2139

Me: Alam ko un.. Sori kung nababad3p ka sa mga gnawa ko, cguro nga nagng selfish ako, d ko na naicp kung anng mararamdaman mo..

04/30/07, 2141

Keianne: Hndi nmn,ok n rn un,at least i knw how u feel..

04/30/07, 2143

Me: But is it better if u never knew?.. Kaya nga ang tahitahimik ko e, un nga lng, not totally..

04/30/07, 2147

Keianne: Gs2 q sanang sbihin “watever”,d q n alm kung anong ssbhn,kung ms pnatgl m p un,ms lalo lng og,yla ang lht..hay! Wg m n lng icpn, dhl ayoko n rng icpn..move on

04/30/07, 2150

Me: Wat-ever.. Joke lng, ayan inunahan na kita.. Yeah, i will..

—————

Longing 

 kizutsuke atta kotoba mo
kasaneta namida mo
itsuka wa omoide ni naru yo
dakara…togireta Melody
mune ni dakishimete ashita mo ikiru daro
anata ni aenakute mo